Illusions

I can’t believe that it’s finally taken me this long to write something here. It’s been over a year that I’ve avoided this place. It isn’t that I don’t enjoy writing here; on the contrary, some of my best posts have ended up here. I just found another place to house my thoughts, opinions, gripes, and complaints about life. And boy, has life been smacking me around and giving me a good shove in the Department of Change. Where to start? Well, I’m still in school, I’m working (though the job is less than stellar, but let’s delve into that department since I’m fortunate to have a job in the first place), and I am no longer committed to an unhealthy relationship…though I still have to deal with the ex on a regular basis. Such is life. He still manages to get on my last nerve even though we’re not ‘together’ anymore, but I have to remember – he’s an autonomous being with the freedom to live the life he chooses, and what right do I have to judge his lifestyle? Anyway… last year was interesting. So much happened that it’s impossible to explain in a few words, or sentences, or even paragraphs. I’ll just say that I had something to learn…and unfortunately, some of us are incapable of learning until we’re finally knocked off kilter and forced to face our biggest fears in life by way of failure. For me, my greatest fear is abandonment and a lack of self-worth. Confronting those two issues has been my greatest challenges in life to date. Lucky that I’ve only had to deal with that and nothing else, but it’s still been a challenge. I also recently experienced true heartache, and it’s been an interesting journey trying to get myself to a point of normalization again. I’ve never felt such inner pain in my life, and man did it force me to change. The negativity still exists, but now I actually understand why it exists; I’m resisting my lessons the entire way. I’m not listening because I’m afraid…so afraid. I don’t like losing, and I don’t enjoy feeling pain…but the only way to change IS to experience pain. I lost a lot due to my own self-destructive behavior, and I’m slowly trying to mend myself back to becoming whole again. It’s just been a lot harder than I’d anticipated.

…But I’m trying, and hoping that one day, this painful journey will be rewarded with my greatest desires coming true. But ONLY if it’s appropriate, healthy, and right for both parties.

So far, I’m really liking this game. It doesn’t require an internet connection since it isn’t an MMO, but it does require a powerful video card, one in which I do not yet have. However, even with the graphics set on Medium it still has spectacular visuals. It reminds me of Everquest but without the hassle of having to deal with other people Kill Stealing and other unpleasant experiences that comes with playing in an MMO environment. If you like playing at your own pace and creating your OWN class (you get to pick and choose EVERYTHING from skills, spells, to class), then certainly give this game a try. I *just* got out of the dungeon and sewers last night with the help of someone else guiding my character (okay, so I’m bad with directions), but I’ll be on my own now that I’m free to explore the world. Unfortunately, my gameplay will now be reduced to weekends and only if I have the time to do so. School comes first, and that is my main priority. Speaking of school, classes started today, and I am completely stoked. I can’t wait to learn the programs I’ll be learning over the semester, and I finally no longer feel like I’m wasting my life. That is the best feeling of all.

Listening to: In Search of Sunrise 6 (Tiesto - Best DJ Ever)

As some of you who read Itsumo already know, I am striving to becoming a web and graphic designer. I’ve already succeeded in passing my first semester with flying colors (4.0 GPA!), and I will be starting my second semester on Monday. The classes have been extraordinarily challenging and sometimes even frustrating, but never once have I doubted that I’m in the wrong field. I love these classes with a passion, and I wake up every morning with a smile because I know that I’m heading in the right direction. Why it took me so long to realize this, God only knows. However, I’m glad I took a friend’s advice and took a step in the right direction. I’m certainly not the best in my class, but I try my best and I think that is what is most important.

On a semi-related subject, I’ve noticed that most of my classmates & I have similar tastes in music. For some odd reason, all of us have an affinity for Trance and/or Metal. Maybe it has something to do with our mutual likeness for our love of graphic design? Whatever it is, I’m happy that I can finally relate to other people in this world. I love most of my classmates, and I’m glad that I’ll be seeing them for another year (and possibly even longer, depending on whether we end up working together). At least I know that I’m not alone.

Also, if you were wondering what I’ve been listening to lately, here is a breakdown of my favorite albums:

01) Ferry Corsten - L.E.F.
02) Tiesto - In Search of Sunrise 04 - Latin America
03) Ferry Corsten - Passport Kingdom of the Netherlands
04) Saul Williams - The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of NiggyTardust!
05) Tiesto - In Search of Sunrise 06 - Ibiza
06) Godsmack - Faceless
07) Godsmack - Godsmack
08) Godsmack - IV
09) Nine Inch Nails - Year Zero
10) Ferry Corsten - World Tour Tokyo

There you have it - an update that has been long overdue. I will definitely write more about my graphic designing classes in the future, and I’ll even try to post some of my projects here.

My anime site, Itsumo, has been indefinitely suspended due to a high amount of traffic. I didn’t think I had enough traffic to cause any type of congestion, but apparently it caused my server to crash and now it is disabled. I take it that I’m either going to have to pay more money that I don’t have for a dedicated server or beg someone for free server space. This came quite unexpectedly, and I’m still pretty bitter about the fact that I didn’t even get any type of warning beforehand. Until then, I guess it’s just a waiting game to see what’ll happen. It seems to be more trouble than it’s worth at times. *sigh*